If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
