GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
