I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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