He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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