I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
