I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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