FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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