somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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