She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
