I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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