your parents love me but you hate me
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
