You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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