I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
