every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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