I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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