I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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