if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Randomize
