I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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