I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
