i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
