You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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