The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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