thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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