I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
