Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize