you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
