By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
