I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
