if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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