just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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