You're my little dorito
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Randomize
