Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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