Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
