I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
