Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Oh god it's open bar.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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