Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
