Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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