I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Is Oprah even human
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
