I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
