I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
