Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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