Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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