We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just gift wrapped bread.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
