She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
