he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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