Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
