based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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