I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
