I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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