Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
