The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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