I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
