Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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