So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
