I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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