My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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