I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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