I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
i think im in europe. pls send help
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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