I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
