3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
