I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Randomize
